President Barack Obama and Education Secretary Arne Duncan have proposed extending the school year and length of the school day by as much as three hours. They purport that keeping kids on campus longer will improve their academic scores and help America compete with students from around the globe. Obama even wants kids in school on Saturdays to keep them "safe."

American students do have lower test scores in technical subjects, like mathematics and chemistry, than students in Asian countries, such as Singapore, Japan and Taiwan. However, Asian students actually spend less time in the classroom than American students although they do have access to more academic after-school options and a longer school year.

Perhaps American students score lower on fundamental subjects because they are spending too much time learning from alternative books such as "Mom and Mum are getting married" and honing their condom application techniques on bananas rather than focusing on core academics. Asian students probably eat the bananas instead with an understanding of the health benefits of potassium while Americans use it as an "educational" phallic symbol.

Our students, who could legitimately study geography in conjunction with conservation and climate change, are watching a little nugget of liberal indoctrination called "The Story of Stuff." This is an anti-capitalist video that portrays the free-market system as being a very bad thing for America and the world. The video, shown in schools across the nation, promotes big government and socialist policies - by stating, for example, "It's the government's job to watch out for us, take care of us; that's their job" - under the cover of environmental concerns.

Right after "Stuff" class, Sensitivity 101 and You and Your Condom, our students can use their vital academic time to view the "I Pledge" video. No, not a video about pledging allegiance to the United States of America, a video fed to schoolchildren in Utah about pledging to help Obama. In New Jersey, they can sing along to the altered version of "Jesus Loves the Little Children," in which teachers altered the lyrics and replaced Jesus's name with Barack Hussein Obama.

Education Secretary Duncan states, "Our school calendar is based upon the agrarian economy and not too many of our kids are working the fields today." Nice job disrespecting the farmers - are those families who expect their kids to help at home of no consequence? Who needs family unity and the time-held tradition of teaching children to be self-sufficient when we have enough illegal aliens to do the work for us anyway?

Duncan further states: "Those hours from 3 o'clock to 7 o'clock are times of high anxiety for parents. They want their children safe. Families are working one and two and three jobs now to make ends meet and to keep food on the table." Here is an idea: Cut taxes instead of creating social programs that are going to increase taxes and perhaps some of those families could spend time with their kids.

Conspiracy theorists might say that keeping kids a captive audience for more hours each day has little to do with improving academic scores and, if the current trend holds, everything to do with further indoctrination. Maybe we can call them "schoolies" to go along with the "birthers." It's a very far-fetched idea, but if this proposal becomes law and Obama starts dictating lesson plans, I'm going to put on my black Nike sweatsuit and wait for the mothership.

All liberal agenda bashing aside, the impact of a longer school day will be detrimental to American students, families and the economy. It will infringe on enriching athletic and artistic programs, create academic burnout for both teachers and students and cause the summertime vacation economy to crash.

In addition, since so many teachers received their layoff notices this year, where does Obama expect to get the money to fund these extra hours? Can you say property taxes?

Keeping kids away from home and "safe" on campus will fracture family time and further diminish the role of parents as chief advisers to their children while increasing government control of pliable minds. It's not about the quantity of time spent in school, it's about the quality of time. If we want to compete globally, let parents teach their children about sex, morals and tolerance, and let teachers focus on academics.